Perpetual Pain

I'm not feeling that quite, but.....tomorrow we go for mediation regarding the lawsuits from our son's death. The whole focus of it will be determining the economic loss to Seth's estate if he had lived to an average age. At that point, he would have had a net worth, on average, of $490,000. We are his heirs so we can claim that lost net worth, even though, if he had lived to old age we would have been long dead! Bizarre, huh? None of the legal maneuvering tomorrow will be about our emotional loss.

Today while in the attic looking for a few decorations to put around the house, I found a box in which we store various precious items from when the kids were young. One of them was a Christmas art project that our boy did when he was four years old. I didn't dare show it to Kathy. Tears in my eyes as I type this.

Two nights ago we watched "La Vie En Rose" about Edith Piaf. At one point, when she learns that Marcel, the love of her life, has died in a plane wreck, she has a scene of intense grief and anguish when she first learns this....I could barely stand to watch. Those of us who have been there.....know a terrible thing, something monstrous about the depths and pervasiveness of grief.

I suppose I have three strands of pstd. growing up in an alcoholic/drug riddled family with a violent father, combat in Vietnam, and losing my son. maybe not so much compared to some people, but that shit will wear you down. I like that song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again...." but there's a masochistic, ironic comedy aspect to that....being driven by some almost mindless urge to not surrender, to fight, to march on despite your losses, your injuries. March on to what? The next traumatic thing that will befall you? I guess so.

None of you are aware of Ted Rosenthal. He died in his '30's of cancer or leukemia. He wrote a lovely book of poetry about it titled: "How could I not be among you?" One of his themes was that there is a world of pain out there and it is coming for you. So, where I am I going with this? Probably to go watch TV and distract myself. Get up, go to the mediation and think about my son's life and death in terms of the economic loss. Nothing to do with his pain or ours.