Sachi

This is Sachi about two years ago. He was stubborn, aggressive towards strangers, patient with the kids when they were young, accepted by the cats, strong, fierce bark, and loved to escape our yard and adventure around the neighborhood. Never went far. He could stop and smell a pee spot extensively....getting the many different aromas of the dogs that had passed. A good boy and I will miss him.

Holidays

My final for real estate is tomorrow night. Guess I am ready. Can't get too pumped up about right now. Being lazy.

Ralph the cat is on the table next to me. He's an orphan that joined us last winter and is usually aloof. But...when I come here and get on the computer he comes and joins me. I don't see him in here when the room is empty.

We're off to Germany in a week. Has gotten here fast. Hope it is fun and Kathy enjoys the time with Lauren.

I keep thinking I should get some cards, buy small gifts for the guys I work with, etc. Don't do it, though. My way forward is so slow that I may be moving backwards in the current of life....some days I think it is better.....but it has been 15 months since Seth was killed and it is hard. Just hard.

Seize The Day

Elizabeth Koto, a co-worker and friend of almost 20 years, died yesterday of cancer. Just diagnosed four months ago. Just before that she had joined Epicenter and started working out so she could get in shape. What a shame. She was always positive, willing to work on a problem, had a good heart and a moment for anyone. She went on many of the Christmas In April charitable projects when we fixed up houses for older people. Even after knowing her so long, I don't know if she was ever married, or had kids, or some of those details. She was in to visit us at work about six weeks ago and I went to see her. Already fairly frail at that point from the treatments, but she was upbeat and optimistic. I got a good hug from her. Bon voyage, Elizabeth, I will miss you.
See you later.

Sachi Memorial

Sachi is with us no more. He was blind, deaf, could barely walk, and had even lost his sense of smell. He couldn't find his food. The end was gentle for him.

He is the only dog I've ever had that we paid for. He was a puppy when we got him and our children were young. Shiba Inu was a new breed to us, one we had picked from a book. Very independent. He never learned to "come". Simply would not do so. If he got outside the yard he was off to explore. Wouldn't go far, but might bark at pedestrians. He was just big enough and nicely built with a broad chest to intimidate people. Once he got of the backyard when no one was home and scared the post woman enough that the postmaster suspended mail delivery to the entire block until I signed an acknowledgment that he exhibited vicious behavior and that I would keep him confined. Ha ha. What a trip. He was very handsome and frequently drew comments from strangers.

Unfortunately, he was plagued with health problems. Skin problems that left him itchy, scaly, mangy looking. Stones in his bladder that cost $1100 to remove. Cushing's Disease which we controlled for years with low doses of a chemotherapy drug. Rather, Kathy controlled it by carefully monitoring his condition and being involved in his care.

He was a fantastic guard dog and would rush to the front door any time anyone knocked and bark fiercely at them. Once they were inside and he understood that we accepted them as part of the pack, then he was o.k. with them. He was a fine dog and good friend.....we loved him and shall miss him. I trust he is getting acquainted with Butch and Jacko now, a couple of the best dogs that ever kept me company.

Thanksgiving 2006

The drive to Portland on Thanksgiving Day took 5 hours. Mostly due to heavy traffic from Seatac to almost Olympia. Grrrrr. We arrived at 4:30 p.m.

Thanksgiving was quite nice, thank you. Lauren, Danielle, Sara, Harlan cooked up a fine meal. Turkey was perfectly done. They had set up a ping pong table and covered it with a sheet. We had a fire, some candles, good food, and played three very competitive games of Cranium. I cannot hum a tune. We did not go around the table and individually give thanks, but I was very thankful to be with Lauren, in her house, with her friends, for the first Thanksgiving that she hosted.

On Friday, Lauren went with Kathy and I downtown for some shopping and holiday atmosphere. I got a new pair of shoes, bought Lauren some clothes, and we tried to wait for a big Christmas tree to be lit. But….the talkng head local radio "personalities" were yacking it up too long so we left.

Kathy and I ate some leftovers at Lauren's and then hit the road back to Seattle about 7 p.m. Got home just fine, no traffic jams anywhere.

Ja, verstehen sie Deutsch?

I think I got that wrong, but Lauren can tell me. Listening to cd's on learning German in anticipation of going there.

15 months tomorrow since I lost my boy. It is the rainiest November in Seattle history and the gray wet is seeping into my marrow and making my vision blurry. Is that rain or tears in my eyes?

Tomorrow we go to Portland where our fine girl and her roommates will be hosting Thanksgiving. Looking forward to that. We're going to stay at her house. Should be a fine time.

Best to all of you. Keep the rubber down, face into the wind, and be of good cheer........or else things will get really hard.

59.5

As of November 3 I was 59 1/2 years old which means I could take distributions from my 401K without penalty. I don't intend to and am not in a financial position to retire, but it is strange to cross one of the thresholds to "old age". So, I went off to the gym and pumped some iron. By the time I am 60 I may look like those pictures of Charles Atlas that I used to see in the back of comic books when I was skinny boy being picked on by bullies.

Election Reflection

Democrats have narrow margins for majority in both House and the Senate. Could mean partisan gridlock or, hope springs eternal, it could mean the center will find a way to reach across the aisle and work together. It is very gratifying to see Bush and the neocons humbled, but that won't mean much for long if nothing positive gets done in next two years.

Dixie Chicks Lay Down The Licks

They played the Tacoma Dome on Veterans Day. Kathy, Lauren and I went to the show and had a great time. Crowd spent most of the evening on their feet clapping and shouting for more. Those girls can play and Natalie Maines is a lead singer. Strong steady voice belting it out from the toes up through the diaphragm (what the hell is that "g" doing in that word?) for all 22 songs. They took a couple low keys pokes at Bush and the election, but mainly they stayed with the music. Crowd was with them. All ages from kids to retirees, some with cowboy hats and boots. Got home about 1 a.m. which is very late night for us, but it was worth it.

Veterans Day 2006

The tide has turned on the neocon vision of dominating the world with military adventurism. Those of us who served in Vietnam knew that Iraq would be a repeat of that fiasco. Why couldn't those in power see that? Flabbergasting suspension of judgement not to mention ignoring "those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it"… Evidently, Bush and Cheney and Rumsfeld (and all their pals who did not serve in Vietnam) learned nothing from that era. Now many thousands are dead and our country has another embarrassing foreign policy adventure to recover from.

Bits and Pieces from the Zone

Here's Lauren on a Sunday morning in August in Portland Oregon, at a sidewalk cafe in Sellwood. Simple pleasures.





Now it is a different Sunday morning in Seattle in November. A bit of daylight out there through the clouds, but more rain and wind are expected. Been a while since I have posted. Not sure why. Where I am at:

• I'm happy my daughter is only 180 miles away in Portland, OR at Lewis & Clark College.
• I always miss my son late at night when I wake briefly and look at the sky through the skylight over our bed. It's been 14 months, seems like years.
• We're going to Munich for holidays. Looking forward to that.
• We've been blessed with the kindness of many friends and family in the past 14 months who have let us know they care about us, and who have continued to reach out to us even though we're basically black holes and emit no light, love, or energy back to them. Thank you to Ginger, Jim, JT, Karen, Chuck, Julie, Nancy, Ananda & Linda, Mike & Teri, my boss Rick, Max, John Price, Carol & Lowell, Compassionate Friends, Sean, Gary, Geri, a great m-in-law, all of our neighbors, the wonderful people at Hackett, Beecher, Sylvia, Barb, my many friends at that great law firm, Perkins Coie, and all those who I have failed to mention here.
• I'm looking forward to what promises to be a significant change in Washington, D.C. in two more days.
• Our dog is getting very old. Blind, deaf, gimpy, etc. He's had significant decline in the past year.....not a happy thing at any time, but following so close to Seth's death it weighs me down to think about putting Sachi "to sleep".
  
• My motorcycle enthusiasm continues. It's fun. Wish I'd discovered it sooner.
• I'm in the best physical shape I have ever been thanks to regular strength training the past 18 months. I'm a bit surprised by enjoyment of gym time.
• My home office and paperwork is a total mess. One part of my life that I am struggling to keep on an even keel. I am doing this blog instead of working on filing....procrastination runs deep, into your life it will creep...

And so it goes. Take care out there. Be as kind as possible and not too serious. No one is going to get out of here alive, anyway.

Bastille Day of the Heart

I've been locked up a couple times over the years. Probably less than I deserved. When I was 16 I did a week in the Tulsa City Jail for siphoning gas from a car. While in Vietnam I stayed overnight with the Military Police because I was in a truck driven foolishly…by my friend, Tyrone. A few years later I spent a night in the San Francisco jail for being on Grant Avenue in the midst of drug deals in front of Gorilla Records.

Why am I recalling this? Because that is not the only way of being in prison, and not even the most painful. My wife, daughter and I are serving a life sentence of sadness and longing for our departed boy, Seth. Of course, the same is true for everyone, isn't it? Trapped by bad decisions, imprisoned by sad memories. But these cell bars of loneliness that separate you from others, the ball-and-chain of painful memory, don't go away………there is no release, no parole, no pardon. So all of us go on, running against the wind. Thank you Bob.

There is some hopeful, maybe, about people persisting despite their personal baggage. Or, maybe it is just a bit disgusting to lust for life even though much of your experience has shown you pain and misery?

Lucky Bird

I noticed our birdbath in backyard was tipped over. The top separates from the base and it was on the ground. Been a problem so I decided to fix it, since hot weather means thirsty birds. Got the duct tape...no joke...and wrapped some around the stem. Then lifted the top off the ground, at which point a bird flew off between my legs! He left behind a few feathers. Here's my take....bird is getting drink, one of our cats tries to get him and the cat's weight tips the top off and it falls upside down on the lawn with the bird under it. Bird should be crushed but gets lucky. Bird's luck continues when I decide to fix the thing instead of looking at it for a week or two from the bedroom.

Lucky bird. Good Karma. Made my day.

Ramble On

Hot and sunny in Seattle....contrary to widespread opinion we do have a summer here. Most evenings it gets cool which makes a very pleasant situation.

Plan to watch World Cup in a bit. Will root for our brothers in arms, the French.

I have a motorcycle now. Will not belabor that today, but it is very similar to injecting amphetamines. Must ride every day.

Here's my ride:
















My day has started well. Free telephone call to my daughter, Lauren, in Munich via Skype. Check it out: www.skype.com

Also, white sugar donuts. Yummy junk food.

That's it. Go elsewhere for wisdom, political insight, boner inspiration. Have fun.

Spring and March Madness

Sunny, mild quiet Sunday today. I worked on cleaning up a bed in front of the house, and covering it with bark. An enjoyable few moments. Kathy napped. Earlier we took Sachi to the vet for a visit and found that he is geriatricly normal. He has diminished vision due to " " sclerosis of the eyes......nothing can be done about it. His ears appear normal so any hearing loss is age-related deafness. He weighs 25 lbs and shouldn't loose more weight.

Last night we met Sandy & Mike plus Chuck & Julie at the Blarney Stone....a pub on Third Avenue. Mike knows the owner. Shot some pool, had a few drinks, etc. Play was not too crowded and that was nice...neither of us is really into loud venues.

Kathy is across the street right now at Karen's. Karen's family has done an "intervention" on her and she is talking about going into rehab.....so wanted to talk with Kathy. It is nice that someone else's life needs help from Kathy. She has lately taken to staring into the distance with total flat facial affect and little or no verbal responsiveness. Profoundly depressed.

Lauren will be home on 3/27 for two weeks and that will be nice for Kathy and for me. She has been in Bordeaux France for a couple of weeks on a language intensive program, which includes living with a French family. Her emails have been enthusiastic and she has met an American girl who has become a pal.

Saturday Morning

Sunny and cool here in Seattle today. My wife has gone to a glass fusion class today and I am so glad that she has done something that gets her out of the house and out in the world. She is very sad all of the time. She will be sad all of her life, but maybe this class and other efforts to reconnect with people and life will help ease her passage. We are getting more daylight now and that should help both of us. It is no longer dark when we go to work and dark when we go home. We love you, Lauren, fine young woman with an ambitious personality and brave soul. We love you, Seth, our dear boy gone on before his time.

The Nightly News

There is no news. We are learning how to eat reasonably healthy and easy with only two of us here, and a woman who no longer loves to cook. Fuck you, Vincent Santiago. We come home, feed pets, cobble together a dinner that is simple, maybe do a load of laundry, watch TV, fall asleep. In the morning, we have a hard time getting out of bed and getting ourselves going. Fuck you, Vincent. I amuse myself by surfing web motorcycle sites of any and all kinds. When I get a motorcycle will I drive off down the road and find some other reality? No. But it is something new and may serve as a distraction or might cause some part of my heart to reawaken. It's been five months of a life sentence to love and miss our boy. Man, this is one fucking cruel world. Don't let anyone bullshit you.

Dream World

No effort at analyis here. Maybe later. I had this dream a few months ago and just found my email notes written the next day.

"Seth was a bad seed, Started as a young boy. He was just a rascal causing trouble. Wound up shooting people despite our best efforts. He was living in streets as a youngster, 10 or 12. I kept trying to save him and protect him. At some point I turned him in to police. Then he was out of jail and standing next to me, like in a hollow tree or something. he had a cup full of gas and set it on fire to throw on me in revenge, but someone next to me poked him with a stick and the flaming liquid spilled onto him and he started to burn....but I reached into the tree crying "no, no" and pulled him to my chest frantically clutching him to me while beating out the flames with my hands. He had longish hair and was now a grown man. I awoke with my arms wrapped around my own chest."